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03.30.2004
Child
Yesterday I took my eight-year-old daughter shopping. At one point, I turned around and the next thing I knew, she was staring at a magazine cover filled with provocative and lewd pictures. I told her it was disgusting and wrong and she should not look. Truthfully, it seemed the more I told her not to look the more she looked! I wasn't sure what to do. Please help!
As you have discovered, telling a child not to look usually has the opposite effect. It is often best to make our point and move on. Also, I would shy away from using words like "disgusting" or "wrong" to describe what she saw in the magazines. She may have seen people in the magazine hugging or kissing and the message you are giving her is that hugging and kissing are wrong. But we know that's not always true!
I would focus on the concept that as Jews, we are modest in our behavior. Husbands and wives do things in private that should not be shared in public. They do not put pictures of what they do on a magazine cover. Jews are a holy nation and we do not act that way.
Keep the focus on the lesson of tznius (modesty) and use it as an opportunity for her to ask questions and for you to provide the proper answers.
02.17.2004
Toddler
My 19 month-old loves to be busy. Usually, when he is not playing, we can direct his being busy from something destructive to something productive, such as helping us unpack the groceries instead of letting him unpack the garbage.
The problem is that he does not like when we ask him to NOT do something. When we tell him to stop doing something, he starts to do it aggressively as if it is a game. For example, when we ask him to stop throwing his food on the floor, he starts to grab all of the food on his plate and dump it, then he grabs the plate, the table cloth and anything else within reach.
Similar things happen when we try to put him to sleep. Although he is yawning and clearly tired, he fights us when we try to lay him down. He starts to dump out the garbage, pull off the tablecloths, bite me, pull my hair, etc.
Is there anything I can do?
Your question reminds me of something I once heard from a child psychologist. He said, "Always be concerned when a child behaves perfectly all the time. It is as risky as a child who misbehaves all the time."
19 month-old children tend to do exactly what you described. In fact, I believe that many parents were nodding when they read your question, thinking "Yes, my child does exactly the same thing.”
From a developmental standpoint, children at that age love to be busy and love to test the world around them. It is how they learn and it is perfectly normal. However, as you described, the challenge arises when you direct them to do something they don't want to do.
Here are some things to try:
1) Distraction – This is a great technique for very small children. As soon as you see that your child is about to play his “game” with you, grab his attention by pointing something out in the other room or make a funny face. Then, make a game out of getting him to his crib by having a race or giving him a fun ride. The goal is to distract him BEFORE things escalate.
2) Set clear limits – As your child starts to get out of control, hold him and say firmly “Mommy (or Daddy) said no!” Then, simply remove him from the area where he can get destructive and put him where you need him to be. Don’t lecture or give explanations; children at that age are not developmentally ready for them yet and you will only wind up frustrating yourself and your child.
3) Keep in mind that at this age, the overall goal is to either remove them from the situation or get them focused on something else. You can (and should) set clear, firm limits and tell your child when he is out of line. However, it needs to be coupled with one of these other measures in order for the limts to be effective. And remember, your child WILL test the limits.
Now, as your child gets older, there are other techniques and methods to try…
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